Ganesh
Duplicitus
There are days when I truly wonder who and what i am, I second guess my decisions and lose trust in my own emotions. I am perplexed by other peoples actions and I wonder if it’s just me. I hurt sometimes. Then I question the validity of my pain. Not whether I feel it … but whether I should. People dissapoint me. Often. Are my expectations too high, unreachable by most? Do I want more than I give? Or do I give more than what others want?
Sometimes I fall for flattery. Is it a weakness or simple vanity? Do they love me or love me not, and if they do, why? I once asked my mother why she criticizes and not complements. Because, she said, doing right is expected doing wrong is reprimanded. In theory this makes sense, in reality its so very sad.
When I am strong, I’m strong. There is authority in my convictions and a finality in my decisions. I don’t waiver and I never look back. History is a great teacher. When I graduate this lifetime, my tombstone will say “she never regretted.” My friends are awed and my family is proud. But every once in a while, that strength seeps out and i am alone and i am confused and I’m scared. I don’t know why.
I shun people when I am vulnerable fearing they will discover that I am not who I am. I am less and I am more. This is the secret I carry with me like a suit of armor protecting me and ruining me all at the same time. The facade I have painstakingly nurtured for all these years is cracking. I don’t remember the person behind it. Is she better than this?
So as days and years go by, I ponder on my own existence. Why, how, and what for? I turn to intellectuality searching for answers in profound tomes, or spirituality and all the learned gurus and saints. Ocassionally, I find insight, but mostly… entertainment at best. This quest wont end until I die because I know an answer does not exist.
The toggling of my disparate states of mind is constant. Strong versus weak in one damaged soul and one fragile body. The dichotomy of me is exhausting.
Bird of a Feather
There is a bird outside my window.
It’s small, grey, and alone.
I imagine I am that bird, flying and free.
I imagine the birds-eye view of the world around me.
The wind gently kissing my face,
the sky so blue is my guide to nowhere and everywhere.
I land on the highest mountains and tallest trees.
i see the world as it really is.
My winged soul travels aimlessly
only looking forward, never back.
so light and so untethered, this feeling;
I savor the sensations, so new to me.
My reverie, so vivid, ends
The bird flies away.
And I am home.
Where I should be.
